Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.

God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today

Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

How your email finds me

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.