” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
You Might Also Like
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
I want what they have
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.