” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
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The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I saw this ending much differently.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered