Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

If you know, you know 😂🚔

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…

The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?

Go girl power!

Hot Panini is in big trouble

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course