I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
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Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.