Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend

“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-

Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.