Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

Two words: Egg Newtons™

Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable

Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

real

life finds a way

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200