Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

gm

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:

Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe

Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.