I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
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How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
good work, everybody
Free him
“A little help here, Danny?”
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
When I can’t barge, I careen.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer