Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

hi why am I like this

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

#MeanwhileInCanada

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-

ME: *slams on brakes*

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.

[In emergency room]

mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?

dr. frankenstein: 75,000.