I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
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“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.