@RunOldMan

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

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@senderblock23

“You know who else loved carbs? Hitler.” – excerpt from my book How To Diet Through Shame & Manipulation

@zakagan

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

@Everette

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

@girlnarly

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

@JayUhOh

Ever have to pee so bad you let a pigeon watch your kids for a minute?

@murrman5

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

@saltssaltgirl

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

@juliussharpe

Documentaries must provide 90% of the employment for violin players.

@jwoodham

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?