I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
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I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Is this a threat?
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?