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My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?