I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
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*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
I never know how much to tip a cow.
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now when she’s mad at me I just say “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive