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Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
called in thicc to work this morning
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”