I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
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Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.