I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
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Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Hot Hot Hot
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.