I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
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Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
My coworker complained that I pee too loud to my boss but I refuse to moan silently
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10