I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
You Might Also Like
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.