Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

[varnishing an old rocker]

keith richards: what the hell man

I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.

Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.

Otters see a butterfly.

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

weaknesses

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

#parenting