Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

[company all-hands Zoom call]

CEO: The future is ahead of us!

Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!