Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

ouch

Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.

As per my previous tablet…

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds