Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.

TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.

[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]

just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?

Me: He has moved on to a better place.

Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!

Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?