Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.

Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes

Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

Please do it!

When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

we’re gonna need another temp

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know