Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

villagers: BURN THE WITCH

me: you’re the reason your dad left

witch: omg

villagers [lowering torches] damn dude

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

Still my favorite headline of all time:

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.