I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
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I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
deleting my mental health to focus on social media
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.