I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
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Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers