Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.