I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
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Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
how to have fun when you’re poor
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.