I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
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OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!