I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
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Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
🤣🤣
No, I don’t think I will.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Well, my evening plans are ruined
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do