I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
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[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
She was rare, like a goth jogging
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.