I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
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my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Batman v Dracula
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.