I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
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Ironic
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
applying for a new job
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.