Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.

me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR

*wife looks through my phone

*divorces me 8 times

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.

Me: Gross.

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

Sex so good your binoculars fog up.

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

This is my emotional support online shopping cart