I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.