I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
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my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭