I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
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Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
watching old Beatles concerts is so fascinating it’s four guys shaped like suits going plinky plonky lemme love you girlie oh yeah and then it cuts to the audience and there’s a girl having the most intense spiritual experience of her life
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
My inexpensive home security system…
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Pikachu found the lost joint
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American