Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

lmfao come on

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

Just why bro?!

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!