Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.

“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me