Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed

Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

pep talk

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

Introducing new iPhone 5 features:

– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.