Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead

and now we wait

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

Hmm 🧐

I put the h in mysterious.

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.