@MarkAgee

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

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@junejuly12

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

@seamusmckracken

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

@bazecraze

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

@CarlyJGarber

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

@Zaius13

The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.

@ihateitmunky

Date

Her: OMG my dad keeps texting me he’s so annoying

Me: [hoping to impress her] yeah he’s a piece of shit

@cluedont

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

@NotthatAdamWest

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

@_Enanem_

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.