I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

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Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?


When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.


People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.


To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”


The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.



Her: OMG my dad keeps texting me he’s so annoying

Me: [hoping to impress her] yeah he’s a piece of shit


I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.


Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”


I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.