Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
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[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.