I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
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I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
My dating profile:
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure