I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
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Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Camping tip: No.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?