I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
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*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Hmm, not sure about this change
I hope it’s French Onion!
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?