Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

when nothing goes right… go left

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.