I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
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Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Why does laundry happen to good people?
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”