I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
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Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo