I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
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The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
Cheers Twitter.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I hope it’s French Onion!
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”My 7yo: What’s this song called?
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit