Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!

Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star

Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]

SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY

BATMAN: No.

[amazon dropping off my order]

Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!

Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!

Me:

Cat: Tomato Tomahto

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.