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Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
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Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.