Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog

A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

me: how did he die?

him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants

me: a parade

him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral

If Amazon had a dating app:

You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?