I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
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doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
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I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
No. YOU-buprofen.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.