I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
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“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
pep talk
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.