I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
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my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”
No. No you do not.
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
The smoothest fall of all time
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Telling my uncle about my boy problems and he’s literally covering his mouth in disbelief… yeah girl it’s bad
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow