I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
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So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I know this now 😂
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Happy Febuary everyone!
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Cheers Twitter.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …