Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

thank god

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.