I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
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*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”