I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
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Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
From Facebook just now…
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!