I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
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If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Are you ok, human???
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice