I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
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Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
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Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
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*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job