I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.