I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
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Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”