Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.