I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
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I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
WHO DID THIS?
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
murder on the timeline
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Investing in beetcoin
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Saturday
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.