I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
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Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that