I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
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One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”
2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Got ya covered
