I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
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Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
12653.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?