I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
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Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me