Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.

Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:

6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

Breaking news:

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.