I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
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If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in