I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
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If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.