I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
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GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I feel it
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.