Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

#growingpains

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.